Don’t Be Afraid To Show Your True Self

This entry marks the start of a new series of my posts: Don’t Be Afraid.

I’d like to concentrate on our fears because this is one of the most powerful factors which affect your actions. Just think about how many things you would do differently if you had absolutely no worries and fears about them?

 

The Fear of Showing Your True Self

Absolutely all our actions are evaluated by ourselves before we take them. And such evaluation is done to make sure we understand as much as possible about what good and bad consequences a particular action might have. Some actions are so simple or physical, that they take only few seconds of judgment before we take them. They require virtually no risk assessment, and we’re fairly sure of the outcome. Other actions, however small they seem, will mean much more to us or to people around us, and so we take some extra care and time to make sure such actions are really what we think we want. And it is only when your evaluation is over and you feel confident about the decision you’ve made, you follow it – you either take the action or drop it.

Today I’d like to talk about one of the most common fears of all – the fear of showing your true self to the world.

 

Your image of yourself is just an expectation

In modern society, it’s all about having a positive and strong image of yourself. When you go to work, you want to look intelligent and confident. You want to make smart decisions and take appropriate actions. You want to be as good as you can possibly get. Every day, every minute and every moment.

With your friends, it’s a very similar story. You want to be witty and funny. You want to be popular among your friends and to be a good friend at the same time. You’d like to socialize in as relaxed manner as possible. You’d like to be able to make friends with anyone. You want to be a person everyone likes.

In your family, you probably want to be your best too. It’s about being the perfect husband and a loving father. An ideal wife or a super mom. You want to have a really nice family. You’d like to have a better understanding with your partner. You’d like to spend more time with your kids. You’d like to smile to your next door neighbours every morning and get a smile back.

All these images I’ve just brought up in your mind are expectations. Some of them are expectations of our own, others are the ones of people around you. And no matter whose expectations these are, they invariably put some pressure on your actions. Wherever you go and whatever you do, you know there are some expectations to be met. You know you have to try your best and look your best in order t o meet these expectations. If you don’t meet expectations, this brings frustrations. For some of us, being frustrated with yourself is the worst frustration ever. For others, it’s quite acceptable, as long as other people whose opinion we value are not frustrated.

 

The image of yourself you live by

These roles of a perfect professional, ideal husband or an incredible friend are something we use as a guidance. These are the images of ourselves we live by. But what happens quite often is that by following expectations and trying our best, we reach a point in our life where we feel like we’re pretending to be someone else. We get appreciation and admiration from people around us, and we think: “No, it can’t be true. That’s not me they’re talking about, that’s someone else”. And that’s how the fear is born.

From this moment on, you get more and more unhappy about your real self. You see everything as a game of pretending to be someone else – a much better person than you really are. You start judging your own thoughts and actions in a completely different light, and it’s very easy to get caught up in your false self-beliefs. Do you really like waking up at 6am just to make it to your workplace by 8am? Of course not! It’s this someone else you’re pretending to be…

Do you like dealing with all them problems you meet everyday? No! It’s the professional person you’re trying to be that makes you do it. And do you like sitting at late meetings? No, but you have to because otherwise people will understand who you really are. Who wants to see such a horrible image of you, the real you? The person who loves lazing all the mornings in the bed and driving a car above speed limits, the person who hates working and likes enjoying a glass of beer on a sunny beach? A person who finds some (if not all) the meetings too stupid and pointless to even attend, and who has a better idea of what needs to be done in most situations at work? Surely, you don’t want anyone to know that you’re that bad.

At this point, the fact that most of things suggesting how bad you really are never happen somehow doesn’t matter to you. This idea gets out of your focus, and all you concentrate on is that no matter how many good things you make happen on a daily basis, you’re still afraid to admit that some of them you would do differently or wouldn’t do at all if you weren’t pretending to be a better person.

 

Learn to accept how good you are

A similar kind of fear exists for every aspect of your life. It’s very hard to explain, but people automatically accept that anything bad they do or even think is their true self, but it takes much more effort to persuade them that something good they do or think is just as real part of their personality. And this disbalance in self-beliefs is so incredibly strong that even when we do some really good things and take right actions, instead of appreciating it and enjoying the moment, many of us manage to think something along these lines: “Well, it worked this time. So what? Everyone seems to be really impressed. Argh… If only they knew how scared I was to do it. If only they really knew that it happened due to a sheer luck – like, I didn’t know myself if it would work or not… And now everyone’s giving me looks and it seems the chance had saved the day, but somehow I’m not happy, but miserable to an even bigger extent…”

Do you recognize any of these thoughts? ;) I bet you do, that’s because you’ve had them more than once! And you felt almost guilty for doing the right thing! How twisted is that?!

Now, I urge you: don’t be afraid to show your true self! Cause it is you, not anyone else, who does all the good things for you. You’re not pretending to be someone else. You’re being yourself! Remember: you’re only as good as you really are. These expectations which force you into doing good deeds on a daily basis – they’re nothing more than your conscience. Quite often you have a situation which you know you can walk away from, and nobody will ever know you did. But something makes you take the action and make something good happen once again. Do you really believe it’s the result of pretending? Of course not! It’s the real you! It’s as real you as it gets!

 

Don’t be afraid to show your true self

If you felt scared when doing something people now admire you for, tell them about it. They will admire you even more. This will help them realize you’re as human as all of them, and it did take some courage for you to take the action. If you feel lazy in the mornings – that’s okay to live with. Most people are! It’s natural, and people like being natural. If you’re afraid there’s a misunderstanding gap growing between yourself and your partner – talk to him or her, don’t be afraid to seem vulnerable. Show that you really care, talk to her and try to work things out. It will help, believe me.

It really is okay to have some dark secrets. All people do. Some secrets are darker than others, and some things are meant to be kept to yourself only. But it doesn’t mean you have to feel guilty for them. And even if you do, it doesn’t mean you should also feel guilty for doing something good. Don’t think your true self is just something bad you’re constantly trying to hide. Admit it that you have a good side too. Don’t be afraid to follow your heart and act like you think you should, not like you think others would like you to.

That’s all for today. The topic is so vast that I may have to revisit it at a later stage, but for now I’ve said enough. Let me know what you think. I’m keen to learn what you agree and disagree with, because only by talking to each other we learn and grow. I also hope I’ve brought a relief even though most of the things seemed trivial enough. But this is simply because, luckily for us, not everything has to complicated in our lives :)