Tim Brownson is a UK born Life Coach and NLP Master Practitioner now living in Orlando, Florida. He coaches people one-to-one either face-to-face or via the telephone. Below is a sample chapter of his new book ‘Don’t Ask Stupid Questions – There Are No Stupid Questions’.
“The more man meditates upon good thoughts, the better will be his world and the world at large.”
– Confucius
We all have a voice inside our head that chatters to us constantly about the day-to-day situations we find ourselves in. It’s one of the main ways that we interpret external data by constructing conversations internally with ourselves. Although we all have this voice (or more often than not, several different ones) we have our own particular versions, some of which can be more helpful than others.
Does your voice support and encourage you when things aren’t going quite as planned or does it become aggressive, whiny, rude, pessimistic and thinks nothing of tearing a strip off you? Is it often far more hostile and abusive to you than you ever would be to other people?
I once heard this voice likened to that of a bad tempered, miserable, old duck! Yes that’s what I said, a duck. Close your eyes and you can hear the voice in your head now quacking away at you. You may not have noticed it’s duck-like aquatic qualities before, but now you can. Do you know why you can? It’s because inside your own head you can hear whatever you want to hear. You can of course hear your own voice in whatever tonality that you care for, or if you’d prefer you could be listening to yourself in the dulcet tones of Jimmy Stewart or James Earl Jones or even Oprah Winfrey. The options are as limitless as your own imagination.
So with all the people to go at, why on earth would anybody ever pick the desperate duck? That’s a real tough question to answer. I regularly have people tell me that there isn’t any voice inside their head in the first place and I usually respond with “So you’re dead then?”
The fact is we have had years to perfect our quacking and it happens so quickly and so unconsciously that many people have stopped noticing it. We mess up at something and the voice is sitting there in the background ready to chime in “Quack, you’re a failure, you never do anything right, you’re an embarrassment.” Even when something goes well it can still undermine with “Quack, you just got lucky, wait until they find you out.” It’s so insidious and so good at its job that it’s barely noticeable, but the overall negative effect on you can be enormous. It has a drip-drip effect that serves over the course of time to make you believe that what it’s saying is true. Which in turn makes it so. It sets your own reality for you. That’s what I said; a duck sets your reality for you.
So maybe it’s about time to shut the duck up or at least make him or her a little bit more friendly and supportive. We do need a voice inside our head, so let’s pick one that we like. You can drop the duck or whatever you have now and chose a voice that makes you feel good. We still want to be able to get the message across, so don’t make it so chilled and laid back that you never take any notice of it. You can even choose two, three or as many voices as you want for different occasions. The only criteria being that the voice should always support you, always be helpful, never aggressive and it never puts you down.
Wouldn’t that be great, a voice that treats you with the respect that you deserve, the kind of respect that you like to offer to other people? If you perfect this, and it does need practice to break some embedded habits, then I guarantee you will feel a great deal better about yourself.
Question: What does your duck say to you?
If you have enjoyed this article you can buy Tims book in either Hardback or eBook format at www.adaringadventure.com or read his blog at http://www.adaringadventure.com/blog/wordpress
I really enjoyed this article. First read it in Tim’s excellent book (“Don’t Ask Stupid Questions – There Are No Stupid Questions) and it’s definitely helped me to take control of my inner voice.
I had an awful day at work on Wednesday (very angry boss) but knew I’d not done anything wrong. In the past, my duck would have said “You’re useless, you’re everyone done, no-one likes you” … but this time, I was able to put a firm stop to that quacking! :-)
Ali
Thanks, Ali!
We’ll see how the book helps me, but I really look forward to reading it!
Hi, what a very true article! I am extrememly lucky to have just gotten married to an amazing man who also happens to be an amazing therapist! i have been encouraged to listen, read and put into action any forms of personal development to help quell the “Duck” in my head that tells me i’m not good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough etc..I will look forward to reading the book along with the other forms of personal development i am undertaking, to be the best i can possibly be. I would love to share my experiences with you in my personal blog .
Thanks, Lee!
I’m just finishing this book up and it’s been a great read – simple and light, but thought-provoking. Great book!
I solved the problem with some “duck tape”. Now he’s nice and quiet.
Yup the duck is usually there quacking away. What I normally do whenever i start ‘noticing’ the duck is that I totally & absolutely shock it out of sync. Break the pattern with by doing something really bizarre. I’ll just start thinking, saying or doing something really crazy. Some weird movements plus singing a song crazily would shut the duck up.
each time the duck shows up, interrupt is immediately. After doing it a number of times, the duck will start showing up less.. and slowly be replaced by a positive voice.
Hi Ethan,
Thanks for a great advice!
It’s great to have a voice in your head, as long as it’s the one that Tim says “treats you with the respect that you deserve, the kind of respect that you like to offer to other people.” Whenever my duck goes off (and when I notice it!) I take a mental step back and think “what would I say to someone else in this situation?” I would never cut someone down and tell them they’re stupid, so why should I treat myself that way? I’d offer words of support and encouragement – so I say those words to myself. The more I do this, the more it becomes natural for me to be positive about (to) myself.
It’s great to have a voice in your head as long as it treats you as Tim says, “with the respect that you deserve, the kind of respect that you like to offer to other people.” Whenever my duck goes off (and when I notice it!) I take a step back and ask myself what I’d say to someone else in the same situation. I’d never tell them that they’re not good enough or that they’re stupid so why should I say that to myself? I’d give them words of support and encouragement – so that’s what I tell myself. I’ve noticed that the more I do this, the more natural it is for me to be supportive and understanding of myself.